When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
