chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
