im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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