Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
