Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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