it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
