Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
