You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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