I was born with a shot glass in my hand
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
