This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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