He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
