Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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