im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
