kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
