so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
