This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize