Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
