I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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