Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
