Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
