No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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