you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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