my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
