my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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