Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The struggles of a small town man whore
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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