About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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