At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
