The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
