you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
