Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You can't just leave with hair like that
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
