we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
