he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
