Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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