Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
