Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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