I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
