my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize
