She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
