someone threw a dead crab at me
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
