seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
