Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
