before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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