Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
