We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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