i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
