I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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