Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
