i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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