Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
