I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
