his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
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Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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