I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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