What a fucking waste of an outfit
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
