Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize