just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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