Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
