shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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