tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
